Confession: The Truth About Me and My Relationship with Art

***This post is part of the "rambling" section of my website and may or may not be airbrush related***

Confession: I have not painted in months.

I feel that I need to tell "someone" why ...

Art and I have been having a love hate relationship for a few years now. It seems ridiculous to me that I have been having these types of feelings - but I am at the point now where I have to admit that it is true.

You see, when I first started painting I fell head over heels in love with it - and specifically with airbrushing. I spent all my free time learning and practicing and every little advancement I made in skill was thrilling. Shout from the mountain tops thrilling.

As I got better, as my skills improved, I found a ton of satisfaction in the fact that not only did I love DOING this ... I was also pretty damn good at it too. Better than I ever expected I would be (not to say I don't have much much more to learn).

Once it wasn't a struggle for me to paint any longer I found an even bigger benefit to this art that I loved... I could get LOST in the act of doing it. I work in a fairly high stress environment - constantly making decisions with huge financial impact and decisions that impact the safety of the public - airbrushing washed all that stress away. After work I would go into my "painting room", sit down at a project and the next time I checked the time it would be 4 or 5 hours later - and it felt like minutes.

I loved the escape. I loved the process. I loved being lost in my own little world where the only thing that was on my mind was the music playing in my ears and the paint hitting the canvas. I loved the satisfaction. I loved it all. I had found my passion.

Defining these experiences as "finding my passion" is where the problems started to begin for me.

You see, I also am a huge reader and my favorite type of books to read are the personal growth / self improvement type books. Books that encourage you to "be all you can be". Books like these have a common thread ... they all say something, in some way or another, that "life isn't worth living if you don't do it passionately" and encourage the reader to "find their life's purpose". I found these books extremely motivating throughout university and in my career and the lessons I learned from them have helped me advance quickly in my profession. I always knew that my profession was not my passion - but - in the light of not having found one yet, considering my profession my passion would do for the time being would have to do.

Now that I have found my REAL passion I am terribly conflicted.

I feel like I should be focusing ALL my time on my passion now that I have found it. Everything else feels like shades of grey compared the the vibrancy of art. I desperately want to live and breath art 24 hours a day - and to be completely frank - work is in my way.

I daydream about a totally different reality. Instead of reporting to an office everyday, I would report to my "painting room". Instead of presenting at conferences, I would be teaching art at workshops. Instead of networking with other professionals, I would be cultivating friendships with other artists. Hugs instead of handshakes. E-mails I would be excited about reading and responding to. No more suits - just paint stained jeans.

Here is the thing ... if I were 15 years younger, I'd do it. I'd cash in my chips and give it my all. Art is the love of my life.

Problem is I am not 15 years younger... I have bills, and responsibilities, a house, a husband and a standard of living I have come accustomed to. Art is not going to maintain this status quo - it just can't.

NOW when I sit down to paint I think to myself "what's the point". It is so sad to say that out loud - it almost brings me to tears to admit that.

Rationally I know that "the point" is that I enjoy it - regardless of whether I can do it full time or live off of it. But, every single time I sit down and paint, that is where my mind takes me ... to a place where I can't go. A life I want but couldn't logically have.

I always mocked the "tortured artist" persona thinking it was a self-fulfilling-prophesy yet here I am ... as tortured as the next guy.

Logically I know that I am not in a "all or nothing" situation. I know that I could very well pursue art part time and that maybe some day I could start gaining some success and then I could slowly phase out the traditional work aspect.

Emotionally though - that seems impossible.

I don't have any answers for myself - nor am I seeking them from my readers. I know all the things I should/could do to find balance. I know I could jump into the deep end. I know I could walk away. I know I could find a compromise.

My mind isn't ready.